Agents of SHIELD: Breaking Apart
by Alasse Fefalas
Summary: A companion piece to Anything To Protect You. Coulson keeps seeing flashes of memories but he couldn't tell what was real and what was fake. A take on what goes on in Coulson's mind. Coulson-centric. Philinda. Angst alert. Spoilers for up to 1x18. (One-shot)


**Breaking apart**

By Alasse Fefalas

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A/N: If you haven't read my other fic, Anything To Protect You, do take a look at it! This is a companion piece and although it can be read as a standalone, it'll probably make more sense if you read the other one first.

This happens after Anything To Protect You, when they're already up in the air.

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Coulson stared at the amber liquid in his cup. He had grabbed the whole bottle of whiskey (which had surprisingly survived the ordeal) and taken it into his room. He didn't care if he was being selfish - there were other hard spirits that survived the attack back at the bar. The whiskey was his. It had always been the drink he turned to when everything was going wrong. Although normally he would be sharing a drink with another, he could barely look at her without feeling disgusted that she had known all along about the one thing he was desperate to know about: his death.

With frustration written all over his face, he downed the contents in one swig, the familiar burn in his throat a welcomed pain. He wanted to sleep - he was craving for it after being up for long hours - but whenever he closed his eyes to rest, images would flash before him. There were so many, he couldn't discern what was real and what was fabricated.

Mexico, Bahrain, Peru, Tahiti, Portland, New York. Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Loki. Fury, Hill, May.

There were some he knew and some he wasn't sure about. Though, there was one that used to make him happy, now only made him all the more frustrated. It wasn't real, he told himself. He had never held May in his arms, fingers playing with her hair. No, it was never real.

It was bad enough he couldn't tell the real from the fake memories. Now, his mind was concocting things he was certain had never happened before.

"How could you be sure though?" A voice inside of him asked.

"Shut up," Coulson growled to himself. "She betrayed me. She knew about it and she didn't tell me. She was spying on me! Reporting to Fury when I was trying to contact him and never said anything about it!"

"She was only following orders," it said. "Fury's orders."

"Why am I even arguing with myself?" He shouted in frustration. Grabbing the cup, he stood up and threw it against the wall, shattering it into pieces.

Coulson forced himself to take slow, deep breaths to calm down. Slowly, he sat back down in his chair. This was his second outburst for the day. Even he knew it wasn't the best sign for his mental state, although that itself was questionable. How much of him was himself anyway? May had said Fury wasn't the one overseeing the project. Who was? Was that person Hydra?

"Am I Hydra?" that voice inside of him asked.

"No. I'm Phil Coulson, Agent of SHIELD," he said firmly.

It didn't make much of a difference now anyway. SHIELD was now labelled a terrorist organisation. His whole world had been turned upside down and ripped to shreads. It wasn't just everything around him - he himself was breaking apart. He knew it and he couldn't stop it.

Coulson eyed the bottle in front of him, wondering whether he should just drink straight out from it, then thought the better of it. Phil Coulson was many things but uncouth he was not. And he really needed another drink.

"You've already drank half the bottle," the voice in his head reminded him. "How drunk do you want to get?"

"Very," Coulson said aloud, shutting the voice up. Standing, he grabbed the bottle and went downstairs to get another cup.

When he reached the lounge, he stiffened slightly at the sight in front of him. There, sitting at the bar with an empty cup in her hand, was the one person he didn't want to talk to. Shaking his head resolutely, he continued towards the bar. Now he really needed that drink.

Walking around her, he took one cup from the shelf and placed it on the bar. He saw her sliding the cup towards him. He looked at her. Lethargy was evident on her face and her jump suit zipped down, revealing the hollow between her collar bones.

"Vodka doesn't have the same burn as whiskey," she said stoically.

He was tempted to leave her cup empty but in the end he poured her one too. Taking both his cup and bottle, he sat on the stool two spaces away.

"I heard a crash upstairs. You okay?" she asked, turning to him.

Anger surged through his veins. Gripping his cup tight, he took a swig of his drink before looking at her coldly. "Stop pretending you care."

Hurt flashed in her eyes. "I'm not pretending."

Coulson felt a dull ache in his chest - and it had nothing to do with the scar. "I'm not apologising and I don't believe anything you say."

May opened her mouth to say something but thought better of it. With an exasperated huff, she turned away to nurse her drink in silence.

Coulson stared at her for a moment before turning away. Taking a sip from his cup, he wondered when was the last time they had a drink together. Digging through his mind, he realised it was quite a while back. He saw flashes of a bar, of them talking - he remebered they were talking about Bahrain, but not the specifics of it. And after that... it was a blank. All he remembered after that was that she transferred to Administration and he didn't see her on the field again. The next time he saw her was when he approached her to join the team.

He took another sip from his cup. He didn't care anyway. Not after what she did. With that thought, he downed the rest of the contents in the cup. With an angry huff, he slid the bottle towards May. "I'm done."

Nodding, she took the bottle and poured herself another drink. "Thanks."

Leaving his cup on the bar, he stood up and started for his room.

"Goodnight, Phil," she greeted quietly.

Coulson paused, wondering whether he wanted to reply. Not really. Without another word, he continued on to his room. He couldn't stand being in the same room as her. His heart hurt and he didn't know why.

It's because she betrayed you, he thought to himself as he closed his door.

"Maybe there's another reason," the voice inside piped.

"Yeah, like what?" he asked aloud.

Silence.

"Yeah, now you decide to shut up," he said, throwing his hands up in exasperation. Coulson shook his head. He must be really going crazy, talking to himself like this. Sighing, he laid down on his bed. He really needed to rest. They had to find Fury and once they do that, he could finally get his answers. But for now, rest.

Fin.

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A/N: I love Coulson but he's being an ass right now to everyone, especially May. A lot of people have been asking for me to continue Anything To Protect You but I'm waiting for a certain someone to come back on the show before writing a sequel. Not gonna say it in case some readers don't want to be spoiled for future episodes! For now, I hope this will do! I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews are much loved! Thanks for reading!


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